So where do I begin?
“Social anxiety is a discomfort or a fear when a person is in
social interactions that involve a concern about being judged or evaluated by
others.”
Now firstly I want to say I am not diagnosed with Social
Anxiety, I have decided I have some form of anxiety issue when it comes to
dealing and meeting other people.
The reasons I think I have anxiety is because when it comes
to social situations mostly on my own I panic!
For example: things like going to the gym on my own. I attempted to join a gym last year, but the
anxious thoughts of people looking at me whilst on my own made me too nervous
(even just walking into the gym). All I could worry about was what people were
thinking of me, so I backed out as soon as I could. It wasn’t because I have an
issue with my weight, but because I was fearful of the people I didn’t know
around me.
Another example is doing simple things like shopping on my
own. If I eventually make it to the shops by myself -I have the feeling like I
want to be eaten up, all I have is evil thoughts pursing through me, feeling
like everyone’s eyes are on me.
So where did it
start?
Well all I can think about is growing up in school, like in
certain situations I was made to think something was wrong with me. Kids can be
cruel, and most people receive some form of bullying, but I had it pretty bad
from the ages 10-14. Kids in my Primary school would do things like put my new
coat in the toilet because they didn’t like it. I used to wonder why they did
it to me, I was always nice, I had no real issues with my image.
One of the girls that used to bully me had a mother who
worked in the school. Because of this she used to take the girls side all the
time (as you do), and constantly I would blame myself for someone else being
horrible to me.
In secondary school I had some form of acne and this made my self-esteem
VERY low. Again I was judged for what I looked
like.(. I remember one time my friend said I was pretty, I had made a effort. That
day and I nearly cried. Because all I thought was “They’re being horrible
because i’m ugly”, so for someone to say I looked pretty was a shock!)
I made a few good friends in school, but still they used to
go out (socialize outside of school) a lot without me. This made me sad because
I thought maybe they didn’t want to hang out with me, and again blamed myself!
But looking back at it now, I think it was because I never really made the
effort to say I would like to come.
Also in situations where A friend had asked me to come
out (when I don’t know the other people)I
would be shy as I don’t know the other people, so the friend was just ignore me
and forget I don’t know the other people. I would spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable,
feeling like these new people don’t like me.
So where am I now?
As from the beginning you will see that I still suffer in
certain social situations. Although this is true, I also have become more
confident in other areas! Starting new jobs and meeting new people has made me see that meeting new people isn’t
always scary, and in fact you can make loads of new friends!
My self-image is another issue still. I have an obsession
with wearing foundation to cover my “actually not bad” skin. Slowly I am
wearing less and less makeup and just feeling comfortable!
I have fears to still overcome- like being happy for who I
am, and basically not caring what other people think!!
I hope as the years pass I will do this, as I have become so
much stronger.
If you have made it to the end thank you so much for reading,
and if you have any advice, or if I can help please drop a comment!
Even though I can’t tell myself this I can tell everyone else this,.. that no matter what, there’s
always someone stronger, prettier, richer then you! I am avoiding things I want to do because of worrying about other people.
But hey who cares. BE
YOURSELF!
LOVE LAURA <3
